Todd's Cavalcade of Whimsy

Last year I posted an entry that derided cell phone cameras as lame inventions solely built to sucker people out of money. Specifically, this is what I had to say:

Have you ever been in the position where you said to yourself, "Dang...I wish I had the ability to take blurry, low-resolution photos the size of a postage stamp. Too bad I'm on my cell phone." Neither have I. Yet, inexplicably, we have camera phones. Just because two non-related products can be fused together to make one low-quality product doesn't mean it should be. I'll be happy to wait until next year when Huffy unveils its new toaster bike.

Well, I am now here to take it all back. I hereby admit that I was wrong about cell phone cameras. Sure, the picture quality does suck, but as I have discovered over the past year, when the need arises and you have no other option, these little cameras are the next best thing to being there.

What follows are some of the "photographic highlights" from the past year -- those odd "You wouldn't believe what I saw" and "Huh?" types of pictures that saved me from having to try and explain what I just encountered.

*update*
I've rehosted the pictures, so they shouldn't take as long to download. I also have posted them all full size, because I'm too lazy to figure out the whole thumbnails thing. The images aren't that big in file size, so they should (hopefully) not be a problem to load for slower connections.


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Let's start with this one. This was the image on a box hanging by the stairwell of an office building. I don't know either. Although I'd certainly like to take it for a ride...


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I don't want to be mean. Unfortunately I don't know how to do that in this case, so I'll just post the picture. The toilet on the right is a normal toilet. The one on the left is indicative of pretty much everything wrong with America.


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Marge, I don't know who you are or what you've done, but consider yourself celebrated.



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After seeing this, I demand all products increase their killing power immediately. I'm not exactly sure what these tubes are killing, but I'll go ahead and get behind it anyway.


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Here's the story. I was in the grocery store when I stumbled across this delightful woman in the frozen foods section. I literally walked all the way back out to my car to get my phone, because I knew there was no way I could ever accurately explain her to anyone. I followed her up and down the aisle trying to get a good shot, which was difficult because my phone makes that loud "shutter" noise when you take a picture. So after several failed attempts and awkward fake coughing to cover up the noise, I was able to get these:

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A few answers to questions you undoubtably have.
1. I have no idea.
2. Yes, that is all hair piled up on the top of her head.
3. And yes, she is pulling a suitcase.
4. I really have no idea.

What's funny is that I raced home to show my wife these pictures, which she found as amusing as I. Then a few weeks later, all the way on the other side of the Portland metro area, my wife called me from a bus and said, "Check your email." When I opened the email she just sent me, I found this photo:


This crazy lady sure does get around a lot, and she takes that dang suitcase everywhere. This time it appears that she has some sort of strap around her "hair." Whether it's holding a festive hat at the top or whether it's literally holding on the "hair" is anyone's guess. And as you can plainly see, holding up that pompadour has made our beloved crazy lady very, very tired.

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This last picture was taken a week ago. My wife, a friend, and I were all on what is called The Willamette Jet Boat tour. It's just like it sounds: a large, open flat boat that has 3 350 horse power engines that takes you on a tour of the Willamette River. You do some sight seeing, but you also get very, very wet because the captain speeds up and then either slams on the brakes, which causes a huge wall of water to come tsunami-ing over the front, or speeds up and spins "donuts" in the water, causing huge walls of water to come tsunami-ing over the sides. The point is, you will get wet, as Sea World likes to say.

So sitting next to us is this dude who is out with his girlfriend and the girlfriend's parents. I gathered from eavesdropping that this is the first time the parents have come to Portland, and it was apparent that this was the first time for any of them to go on the Jet Boat. The boyfriend, I will refer to him as "Agent Orange" for reasons that will become clear, is trying really hard to impress. He is dressed in his best khakis and a pristine white polo shirt. His hair is gelled to perfection. Unfortunately, he has also recently gotten one of those terrible spray-on tans.

At first I thought he was just being fussy about his looks, because he kept tugging at his collar and looking down at it. As I continued to watch him, I noticed a dark orange splotch appear on his neck...I thought perhaps he had cut himself shaving. But as he continued to be doused by wave after wave of water, I noticed an odd series of movements: 1) Check collar. 2) Wipe at neck with hands. 3) Wipe hands on pants.

Long story short (too late, I know), by the end of the boat ride this poor sap was just slathered with drippy, rust-colored fake tan. His pants had orange streaks; his pristine white collar was smeared with orange; and worst of all, the water that had splashed on the back of his shirt had caused orange dots to pop up everywhere. And everyone noticed it, but he was still trying to act like nothing was happening. The girlfriend's dad and mom were exchanging glances behind his back, sharing confused and disapproving looks at eachother. I felt just terrible for the guy, but as the saying goes, "You apply your spray-on tan, you've got to swim in it." Or something along those lines.

When we finally got off the boat an excruitiating 2 hours later, I just had to take a picture. After again employing the "cover-up cough," I snapped one. The quality isn't that great, but you can at least see the sea of dots on the back of our hero "Agent Orange."



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So that's it, kids. I was wrong about the cell phone cameras. They are lifesavers when it comes to the bizarre and hard to explain. And for teaching us all lessons like "how much hair can you pile up without tipping over?" and "never, never, never, never get a spray-on tan," I salute you, cell phone camera.