Todd's Cavalcade of Whimsy

Let me start this off by saying that Portland has fantastic public transportation. It's clean, it's efficient, and normal people ride it. But whenever you open something to the public, "those people" always tend to show up. Who are "those people"? Read on, and I'll help you identify some of the types of people you'll find riding along with you on your next bus trip.

1) Headphones Guy --I have no problem with people listening to headphones on the bus. I do it all the time. But the point of headphones is to keep something to yourself. It would almost be less offensive to listen to the radio out loud, but to be subjected to just the bass and drum section of some Li'l Jon and the Eastside Boyz atrocity is just too much to ask of me. Turn the volume down. It's right next to your ear for crimony's sake. And stop bobbing your head to the music while you're at it.

2) Romance Novel Lady -- I'm always happy when I see people reading. It speaks of intellect, character, and personality. Which is why I'm always really embarrassed for the Romance Novel Lady. Always hot pink, usually with a long-haired, torn-shirt, bodice-ripping slab of a man on the cover, and starring characters named "Precious Covington" or "Lord Devon Braithwaite Castleford" or some other name that no one on the face of the earth has ever had, these "novels" tell you pretty much all you have to know about who's reading it. She has a lot of cats. She collects Franklin Mint collector plates. She owns more than one item with a unicorn on it. Even if these things aren't true, that's what people are thinking of you, dear, poor Romance Novel Lady. At the very least, you can maybe make a fake book cover. The original and classic smut romance novel, "Wuthering Heights," perhaps.

3) The Talker -- The Talker is tricky. While you usually can spot them from the outset, sometimes they'll sneak up on you. You'll be zeroing in on the lonely-looking woman mumbling to herself, when -- BAM! -- The Talker turns out to be the older man you just sat next to. And for reasons I'm not entirely sure of, Talkers don't start off their conversations like normal human beings. There's never any openers like, "Say, it's been hot this week!" No, they always leap about three or four paragraphs down into the conversation and begin with something like, "It's the allergic reaction to the eggs being laid in your skin that makes scabies itch!" Then it's too late. You can't change seats; you're not that rude. Sometimes you pretend to talk on your cell phone or act sleepy, but it never works. They'll wait you out every time. The only way to get out of it is to act like the next stop is yours, get off the bus, and wait for the next one. There's no shame in this defeat.

There's more types of people that you encounter on the bus, of course, but I'll stop now. Perhaps I'll finish this list later. Or perhaps you can identify some different types of bus people yourself. I'm always looking for new additions.