Todd's Cavalcade of Whimsy

If you walk down the aisles of your local supermarket, you'll notice a wealth of interestingly named "substitution" products -- products that claim to be "just like" certain types of food, but are made with unusual and/or healthier ingredients. In fact, food companies are so convinced you won't be able to tell a difference between the "real deal" and their substitute product, they fashion the whole name of the product around that idea. "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" is the grand-daddy of these cumbersomely-named items, but you can also buy a growing number of "meat substitute" meals like "Wow! It's Not Chicken!" (Seriously.)

So let's get this out of the way. Here for the taking are my suggestions on names for all sorts of new products.

"Please Don't Tell Me This Isn't Pot Roast!"
"If You Are Trying To Convince Me This Isn't Tuna Salad, I'm Not Going To Believe You!"
"If These Aren't Matza Balls, I'm Gonna Plotz!"
"They're Runny Like Eggs... They're Colored Like Eggs... But Brother, These Aren't Eggs!"
"Believe Us -- You're Better Off Just Knowing This Isn't Bacon!"
"Who Are You To Tell Me These Aren't Ham Shanks?!"
"Yo! I Be Straight Trippin' If This Ain't Fried Chicken!"
"Say It Ain't Soy!"
"Seriously? This Isn't Grits?"
"I Can't Believe This Isn't Food Grade!"