Todd's Cavalcade of Whimsy

It's not an overstatement to say that Americans will pretty much buy anything. For every cockamamie product idea, there will be a million slack-jawed consumers forking over fists-full of cash -- or by conveniently paying over 5 easy installments. Just flip on the TV late at night, and you'll see all sorts of "amazing" products you can order. But the problem goes deeper than exercise machine fads or knives that can cut through your car's carburetor yet still slice tomatoes paper thin (just in case you feel like doing both at once, as is your wont).

No, there are myriad ridiculous products that have gone mainstream -- and not just in issues of "Sky Mall" magazine. So mainstream, in fact, we don't even realize how preposterous they really are. So I've started a handy guide to point out some of the more prevalent scams so we can all just say "NO!" and reclaim some of our consumer dignity.

#1 - I don't care what your excuse is: You do not need a briefcase case. Have you seen these things? It's like buying a larger backpack to put your backpack in. Not to be too elementary about it, but a briefcase is made to hold things. Stuff goes inside it, not the other way around. You don't build a cabinet to hold your dresser. And just when the idea couldn't be any more needless, I've seen a suede briefcase case. So logically, you'd need a briefcase case case in the event of rain.

#2 - Let's be frank, here. There are no such things as "essential oils." These products are completely made up. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Lavender Root is not essential for a human body to live. Neither is Bog Myrtle (and no, I didn't make those up). If it were essential for our bodies to be filled and/or slathered with these substances, we'd already be oozing them. Yet everything from shampoo to lotion to those useless decorative "guest soaps" have them. This same rule also applies to any product ending with the word "extract."

#3 - I would say that I've been in a fair amount of vehicles. And never once, when sitting in the driver's seat, have I been so far away from the stereo that I've needed a remote control for it. And how is having to stare at tiny unlit buttons on a remote any safer that moving your arm 15 inches to the right? Has it come to the point where Americans are so lazy that any sort of nominal movement requires mechanical assistance? Next thing you know we'll be buying remote controls for flushing the toilet.

#4 - Bottled water is bad enough. It's a kajillion dollar industry, and that's even after the companies have admitted straight out that their products are literally tap water in a pretty bottle. But I do recognize there are legitimate times to buy it. There is, however, no reason at all to buy the bottled water that is what they call "oxygen-enhanced." It's true. They're selling bottled water with oxygen added. What, is it H-3-O? Or do they just not fill the bottle up the whole way? "Shake vigorously to activate the extra oxygen!!"

#5 - Have you ever been in the position where you said to yourself, "Dang...I wish I had the ability to take blurry, low-resolution photos the size of a postage stamp. Too bad I'm on my cell phone." Neither have I. Yet, inexplicably, we have camera phones. Just because two non-related products can be fused together to make one low-quality product doesn't mean it should be. I'll be happy to wait until next year when Huffy unveils its new toaster bike.

Well, I could go on, but I won't because I'm getting depressed. But there is a silver lining here: Although stupid products make me sad for our society at large, it does have a promising message. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to get rich in this country. It just takes an idea so ridiculous, so preposterous, and so backwards that it will get people lining up in droves to buy it. Just ask the makers of the Pet Rock.