Todd's Cavalcade of Whimsy

Regardless of what your political persuasion is, I think most of us can agree that both these National Conventions are pretty useless. Nothing more than a week long political stroke-fest, the Conventions are a chance for each party to preach to their own choirs, make embarrassing speeches (Kerry: "I'm reporting for duty!!" Schwarzenegger: "Economic Girly-men"!!), and wear some of the stupidest hats ever created by man.

Being as the speeches are filled with predictable quotes, trite sound bites, strained talking points, and enough blind partisan propaganda to make Leni Riefenstahl salute in her grave, I thought it appropriate to give the viewers something to look forward to about tonight's George W. Bush speech. Because nothing makes a political convention seem more tolerable than a whole lot of booze, I present "The Republican National Convention Drinking Game":

Take 1 drink:
Whenever Bush says any of the following:
"America is safer"
"The world is safer"
"America's Values / Family Values / Our Values"
"Flip Flopper"
"Our economy is strong"
"Evil-doers"
"Resolve"
"Our brave men and women"
"Weapons of Mass Destruction"
"Saddam had rape rooms / Saddam gassed his own people."
"The Democrats/My opponent will have you believe..."
"Compassion / Compassionate"
"They hate our freedom"
"We will not back down"
" 'Merica"

Take 2 drinks:
Whenever Bush pays sarcastic lip service to how he "respects Kerry's war record."
Whenever Bush refers to Kerry as "the number one most liberal Senator"
Whenever Bush uses the term "Trial Lawyer" to insinuate that Edwards is evil
Whenever the crowd chants "4 MORE YEARS" like drunken frat boys at an OSU football game
Whenever the camera cuts to a token minority in the crowd (extra points if said minority is wearing a stupid hat)
Whenever Bush completely makes up a word or completely butchers a common saying ("Fool me can't get fooled again.")

Hang head in shame when:
Any Republican shamelessly references the events of September 11 while the Republican party promises not to shameless reference the events of September 11.

So that should get you pretty drunk. Drunk enough to make Ted Kennedy look like Betty Ford. (See, I can make "fair and balanced" jokes…) May God have mercy on your liver.