9/06/2004
Star Gazing
Because I care, here is some direction from the stars that should help you out this upcoming week.
Aries: (March 21--April 19)
The stars are suspiciously quiet about the direction life will take you. Maybe it's because you constantly are bothering them. The stars have other things to do, you know.
Taurus: (April 20 -- May 20)
This month, you will find that your external impetus will be immured only by your impecuniousness of benevolence. You will also find a need for a thesaurus.
Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
You will be embarrassed and ostracized when your candlelight vigil for Fire Safety goes terribly, terribly wrong.
Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
Don't make me stop this car. I'll do it. I'm sick of this. If you two can't behave back there, then I'm just going to turn this car right around and go back home, I promise you that.
Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
You will encounter a decision that will either destroy you or destroy everything you hold dear. Good luck with that.
Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
Much to your chagrin, your self-proclaimed jihad against the accounting department will win no allies.
Libra: (Sept. 23 -- Oct. 23)
Your love affair with the printed word will come to an ironic end when the printed word informs you that it wants to see other people.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24 -- Nov. 21)
You totally have to try these mashed potatoes I had the other day. My friend was all, "Hey, you want to go grab a bite to eat?" and I was all, "Sure, OK," even though I wasn't hungry hungry, but I could've used a little something, you know? So anyway, I had these potatoes, and you wouldn't think nutmeg in potatoes would be good, right, but it was either that or this huge piece of chicken and I totally wasn't that hungry, so I went with the potatoes and oh my gosh, they were totally unbelievable, you totally have to get them the next time we go there.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22 -- Dec.21)
This month, the producers will bring a very special guest star into your life for "sweeps." Although this will not make the issues you face any easier to navigate, it will boost your ratings, wackiness will ensue, and you will be guaranteed 40% more madcap hilarity
Capricorn: (Dec. 22 -- Jan. 19)
You will wish you paid more attention in your debate classes when your ransom demands are oddly presented and awkward for everyone involved.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20 -- Feb. 18)
As you know, Aquarius is the symbol of the "Water Bearer." This may explain why you're still wetting your bed.
Pisces: (Feb. 19 -- March 20)
You wouldn't think that one tiny, everyday, seemingly inconsequential choice could throw your life into such irreparable, horrific chaos. But then again, we can see next week and you can't.
Aries: (March 21--April 19)
The stars are suspiciously quiet about the direction life will take you. Maybe it's because you constantly are bothering them. The stars have other things to do, you know.
Taurus: (April 20 -- May 20)
This month, you will find that your external impetus will be immured only by your impecuniousness of benevolence. You will also find a need for a thesaurus.
Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
You will be embarrassed and ostracized when your candlelight vigil for Fire Safety goes terribly, terribly wrong.
Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
Don't make me stop this car. I'll do it. I'm sick of this. If you two can't behave back there, then I'm just going to turn this car right around and go back home, I promise you that.
Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
You will encounter a decision that will either destroy you or destroy everything you hold dear. Good luck with that.
Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
Much to your chagrin, your self-proclaimed jihad against the accounting department will win no allies.
Libra: (Sept. 23 -- Oct. 23)
Your love affair with the printed word will come to an ironic end when the printed word informs you that it wants to see other people.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24 -- Nov. 21)
You totally have to try these mashed potatoes I had the other day. My friend was all, "Hey, you want to go grab a bite to eat?" and I was all, "Sure, OK," even though I wasn't hungry hungry, but I could've used a little something, you know? So anyway, I had these potatoes, and you wouldn't think nutmeg in potatoes would be good, right, but it was either that or this huge piece of chicken and I totally wasn't that hungry, so I went with the potatoes and oh my gosh, they were totally unbelievable, you totally have to get them the next time we go there.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22 -- Dec.21)
This month, the producers will bring a very special guest star into your life for "sweeps." Although this will not make the issues you face any easier to navigate, it will boost your ratings, wackiness will ensue, and you will be guaranteed 40% more madcap hilarity
Capricorn: (Dec. 22 -- Jan. 19)
You will wish you paid more attention in your debate classes when your ransom demands are oddly presented and awkward for everyone involved.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20 -- Feb. 18)
As you know, Aquarius is the symbol of the "Water Bearer." This may explain why you're still wetting your bed.
Pisces: (Feb. 19 -- March 20)
You wouldn't think that one tiny, everyday, seemingly inconsequential choice could throw your life into such irreparable, horrific chaos. But then again, we can see next week and you can't.
