Todd's Cavalcade of Whimsy

There's a sudden and somewhat surprising moment when you realize that you're not so much "getting old" as you are just "old." And it's not necessarily an age thing, either. Heck, I'm not even 30 and I'm about four steps away from being that "Hey -- you kids! Get off my lawn!!" guy. Although I'd like to think that I'm still just as full of the same vim and vigor as "the kids" these days, I'm sure any one who has ever met me would tell you different. As evidenced by the fact that I use phrases like "vim and vigor" and "these days."

In reality, the whole getting older thing is a blessing in disguise. There comes a time in every adult's life that simultaneously depresses you and fills you with joy. The depressing part is realizing you are no longer "down," "with it," or "hep" (depending on the generation you grew up in) with the youth culture; you are now the fuddy-duddy grown-up you always made fun of. Ah, but the joy comes when you realize you are free from the painfully embarrassing behaviors of the average teenager.

Remember when you were a teenager? Nothing, no matter how insignificant, was too small to be anything less than life or death. The only two modes were "melodramatic" and "melodramatic-er." You mom asked you how your day was? "STOP TRYING TO RUN MY LIFE, YOU NAZI!!" Your dad asked you if you wanted a second helping of peas? "I AM NEVER GOING TO BE YOU, OK?!" Doors were slammed, eyes were rolled, vows were taken to never become the fascists your parents were.

As you get older, there are a few distinct stages in realizing how embarrassingly you acted when you were younger. The first step came when you were a senior in high school and you observed the incoming freshmen. "I never acted like that!" you said as you watched the constantly giggling gaggle of 14-year-old girls flutter by. You were sure you didn't. You were confident you didn't. You were wrong. The second step is similar: the college senior who watched the first-time-away-from-home litter of newbies invade the campus screaming "TOGA! TOGA!! TOGA!!!" like they were the first ones who thought of it. "How embarrassing for them," you lamented. "I know I never acted like that." Again with the whole being wrong thing.

The final step of enlightenment (at least I'm guessing it's the final step -- do 60-year-olds look at 50-year-olds and say things like, "Do you think we acted like such tools when we were their age?!") comes as you leave behind your care-free, Gatsby-esque youth and fully embrace adulthood. Again, this happens to us all at different ages. Some people wait until they are much older to take the final step (and some never do -- Courtney Love I'm looking in your direction). Others make this ultimate transition early; I was in my early 20's when it happened to me: I started watching VHI Classics instead of MTV because they played "real" music like Poison and Mr. Mister.

Here's a good test to see if you've made the leap in maturity: Think back to the last time you were surrounded by a murder of teenagers (which I think we need to start referring to them as because it fits so aptly). If you didn't have to physically restrain yourself from violence because they managed to fit the word "like" into each sentence about 38 times, you've got a ways to go. If you were just sad and embarrassed for them -- and they looked at you with a mixture of amusement and pity because you were a gigantic geeb who was no longer "cool" -- you've made that big jump into adulthood.

It's moments like that when you fully realize how much you've changed. When you were in your teens, you were convinced that adults were, like, so lame and the only thing that was important was that Jenny "liked you liked you." Now kids address you by "Ma'am" or "Sir." You listen to "Best Hits of the 80's and 90's" instead of "Today's Hottest Music." You have parts of your body without regrettable piercings.

You're undeniably "old." And you know what? You couldn't be more relieved.