9/01/2004
This Just Needs to Stop
Quite often our popular culture purges out its own drivel quickly enough for it not to be too much of a bother. Complain as we might about the "here today, gone tomorrow" machinations of societal fads, in the end we should all be thankful for it. This necessary weeding out of the undeservedly popular, ill thought-out, or just plain irritating trends saves us all the pain of having to wear parachute pants for the rest of our lives.
While this process usually happens naturally -- I think we're all aware at this point that shouting "WHHAAAAAAAZZZUUUUUUUUUUPPP" is about as clever as sassily retorting with "Talk to the hand" -- some things don't die quick enough deaths. What follows are a few things on my list of things that just need to stop.
1) Those stickers on the back of cars with the little "Calvin"-like boy peeing on something. I'm surprised this one has stuck around so long, as it was clever exactly never. We get it: you like Fords so little you want to urinate on them. Or Chevys. Or State Housing Bill No. 85447. Whatever. The only thing that would be clever at this point would be to have the little boy urinating on the little boy urinating, but I have a feeling that's a little too cerebral for said audience.
2) People speaking the "Fizzle" language. Unless your name ends with "Doggy Dogg" -- and I'm pretty sure it doesn't, whitey -- just stop. Now. I don't care if you're trying to be ironically funny, genuinely funny, or trying to prove you're just McKenna From the Block, nothing says "so 5 minutes ago" quite like this. Again, unless your name is Doggy Dogg. And if it is, please don't hurt me.
3) Can we please stop tricking out cars that suck? There's nothing worse than seeing a pathetic 1987 Honda Prelude with $20,000 worth of tinted windows, hydraulic car lifts, ground effects, and a stereo system that threatens to blow the rusted rivets right off the vehicle. And don't get me started on spoilers. A 10-inch spoiler on a Porche 9-11: Cool. A 42-inch spoiler on a '96 Geo Prizm: Tool.
I'll stop this at 3 items like my last post, because just thinking about all of this tends to get me riled up. My next items on this list was the "Ugg" boot and any item of clothing with the words "Von Dutch" on them, and I don't think my psyche can handle dealing with those issues right now. I guess that's what I get for running out of Xanax...
While this process usually happens naturally -- I think we're all aware at this point that shouting "WHHAAAAAAAZZZUUUUUUUUUUPPP" is about as clever as sassily retorting with "Talk to the hand" -- some things don't die quick enough deaths. What follows are a few things on my list of things that just need to stop.
1) Those stickers on the back of cars with the little "Calvin"-like boy peeing on something. I'm surprised this one has stuck around so long, as it was clever exactly never. We get it: you like Fords so little you want to urinate on them. Or Chevys. Or State Housing Bill No. 85447. Whatever. The only thing that would be clever at this point would be to have the little boy urinating on the little boy urinating, but I have a feeling that's a little too cerebral for said audience.
2) People speaking the "Fizzle" language. Unless your name ends with "Doggy Dogg" -- and I'm pretty sure it doesn't, whitey -- just stop. Now. I don't care if you're trying to be ironically funny, genuinely funny, or trying to prove you're just McKenna From the Block, nothing says "so 5 minutes ago" quite like this. Again, unless your name is Doggy Dogg. And if it is, please don't hurt me.
3) Can we please stop tricking out cars that suck? There's nothing worse than seeing a pathetic 1987 Honda Prelude with $20,000 worth of tinted windows, hydraulic car lifts, ground effects, and a stereo system that threatens to blow the rusted rivets right off the vehicle. And don't get me started on spoilers. A 10-inch spoiler on a Porche 9-11: Cool. A 42-inch spoiler on a '96 Geo Prizm: Tool.
I'll stop this at 3 items like my last post, because just thinking about all of this tends to get me riled up. My next items on this list was the "Ugg" boot and any item of clothing with the words "Von Dutch" on them, and I don't think my psyche can handle dealing with those issues right now. I guess that's what I get for running out of Xanax...
