9/16/2004
To Whom it May Concern
Not to sound too much like an Anglophile, but I am so thankful that I was raised to speak English. Not that there's anything wrong with other languages (extra points go to any dialect that includes clicking and popping sounds), but it's just that the English language doesn't make any sense, and I can't imagine trying to learn it from scratch as an adult.
My Junior High English teacher used to say that the English language was formed by two medieval linguists banished to a tower and forced to create a new language. As retribution for their punishment, they cobbled together elements from other languages and tied them together with arbitrary rules that may or may not apply depending on whether or not they felt like they should apply. This is the only thing I can think of to explain the English language. After all, any language that uses the word "obfuscate" to mean "needlessly confusing" has some serious issues.
I'm a writer and I still rarely know what's going on -- and I'm paid to know. For example, Microsoft Word is always harping at me for breaking rules I didn't even know existed -- and not even it knows how to fix the problems. I always get that infernal "No Suggestion" remark in the grammar dialog box. So let me get this straight: not even a computer in the year 2004 can figure out the English language? I'll make a deal with you, Word, if you can't figure it out, don't look at me, ok? Good then.
I also think it cruel to teach schoolchildren that whole "I before E except after C" scam of a rule -- which even teachers don't understand, because they're always throwing in nonsensical exceptions which I vaguely recall involving weighing my neighbors. But when neither sheiks nor foreigners seize weird species or financiers, it's safe to assume that educators are just making things up on the fly.
Grammar-related rules aren't the only thing confusing about the English language. We have smaller and more insidious matters like silent letters. Silent letters? Only in American are we so egregiously wasteful in everything we do that it even affects our spelling. Think of the word "queue." You can hack off the last 4 letters of that baby and still pronounce it the same way. Did someone feel bad that we weren't using the letter "u" enough? And why is it that it's acceptable to make things more "quaint" by adding extra letters to words like "olde" and "shoppe"?
But the biggest downfall of the English language is also the savior (or "saviour" if you're British): don't feel bad if you can't figure it out, because nobody else can either. (Oops...there's the "I before E" scam again.) Actually, the fact that no one else knows what's going on will only make you look smarter. For example, start dropping "whom" into your sentences. Guaranteed, it will make the person you're talking to think, "Wow...he must be smart. He knows when and how to use 'whom'!"
In the end, the more we get things wrong, the more they become right. Remember how it used to be an abomination to end a sentence with a preposition (which also always bothered me, as no one could ever tell me why)? Never fear! We don't have to follow that rule anymore. The English language is liquid and ever changing, so eventually what is wrong will become right. When today's generation of youth become tomorrow's AARP members, we will hear Presidential speeches that use phrases such as, "I be all up in the UN Secretary Gizz-eneral's fizz-ace," and "Keep it Real" will be how you are sworn in in Court. It's all just a matter of time.
So be thankful that you already know the language. You may not understand the difference between "lain" and "laid," but rest assured no one is going to quiz you on it. It also makes it easier to feel superior to others; all you have to do is teach yourself a couple of obscure rules, which will cause people to whisper in reverent tones, "Wow...you should be on 'Jeopardy'!" And as long as you're out there learning things, go ahead and let me know why in the world the abbreviation for "pound" is "LB."
My Junior High English teacher used to say that the English language was formed by two medieval linguists banished to a tower and forced to create a new language. As retribution for their punishment, they cobbled together elements from other languages and tied them together with arbitrary rules that may or may not apply depending on whether or not they felt like they should apply. This is the only thing I can think of to explain the English language. After all, any language that uses the word "obfuscate" to mean "needlessly confusing" has some serious issues.
I'm a writer and I still rarely know what's going on -- and I'm paid to know. For example, Microsoft Word is always harping at me for breaking rules I didn't even know existed -- and not even it knows how to fix the problems. I always get that infernal "No Suggestion" remark in the grammar dialog box. So let me get this straight: not even a computer in the year 2004 can figure out the English language? I'll make a deal with you, Word, if you can't figure it out, don't look at me, ok? Good then.
I also think it cruel to teach schoolchildren that whole "I before E except after C" scam of a rule -- which even teachers don't understand, because they're always throwing in nonsensical exceptions which I vaguely recall involving weighing my neighbors. But when neither sheiks nor foreigners seize weird species or financiers, it's safe to assume that educators are just making things up on the fly.
Grammar-related rules aren't the only thing confusing about the English language. We have smaller and more insidious matters like silent letters. Silent letters? Only in American are we so egregiously wasteful in everything we do that it even affects our spelling. Think of the word "queue." You can hack off the last 4 letters of that baby and still pronounce it the same way. Did someone feel bad that we weren't using the letter "u" enough? And why is it that it's acceptable to make things more "quaint" by adding extra letters to words like "olde" and "shoppe"?
But the biggest downfall of the English language is also the savior (or "saviour" if you're British): don't feel bad if you can't figure it out, because nobody else can either. (Oops...there's the "I before E" scam again.) Actually, the fact that no one else knows what's going on will only make you look smarter. For example, start dropping "whom" into your sentences. Guaranteed, it will make the person you're talking to think, "Wow...he must be smart. He knows when and how to use 'whom'!"
In the end, the more we get things wrong, the more they become right. Remember how it used to be an abomination to end a sentence with a preposition (which also always bothered me, as no one could ever tell me why)? Never fear! We don't have to follow that rule anymore. The English language is liquid and ever changing, so eventually what is wrong will become right. When today's generation of youth become tomorrow's AARP members, we will hear Presidential speeches that use phrases such as, "I be all up in the UN Secretary Gizz-eneral's fizz-ace," and "Keep it Real" will be how you are sworn in in Court. It's all just a matter of time.
So be thankful that you already know the language. You may not understand the difference between "lain" and "laid," but rest assured no one is going to quiz you on it. It also makes it easier to feel superior to others; all you have to do is teach yourself a couple of obscure rules, which will cause people to whisper in reverent tones, "Wow...you should be on 'Jeopardy'!" And as long as you're out there learning things, go ahead and let me know why in the world the abbreviation for "pound" is "LB."
