11/10/2004
The Junk Drawer
Everybody has one. That one drawer, usually in the kitchen.
All hail the Junk Drawer.
Regardless of the type of house you keep, the Junk Drawer is universal. After all, you need to be able to access your scissors and tape, your spare pencils, pens, and paper. But after a while, the Junk Drawer takes on a life of its own. Soon it's brimming with the oddest collection of miscellaneous paraphernalia -- most of which you didn't even know you owned. Where does it come from? Does it spawn at night, birthing random items you'd only find in the "Free" box leftover after a garage sale? Does that stuff just appear to psychologically torture you with questions of how in God's name it got there? It is the universe just toying with you?
And perhaps the scariest question: What on earth do the contents of my Junk Drawer say about me?
Armed with these thoughts, I decided to clean out our Junk Drawer today. (Actually, it wasn't so much these thoughts as it was the fact I was having trouble closing the drawer all the way.)
Here is a photo of what it looked like:
And here are some of the things I found:
Duct Tape - (Good. We're starting off normal.)
Sewing kit - (Still good.)
Fishing line - (Normal, I guess. Except I don't fish.)
A bottle of Polyurethane - (What you use polyurethane for is a complete mystery to me...)
Two rolls (one red, one yellow) of crepe paper streamers
3 full-sized staplers, and one mini stapler. - (I have never purchased a stapler in my life. They're like lighters: you never buy them, you just somehow aquire them. )
Industrial strength, waterproof Marine sealant - (For the boat I don't own?)
1 yard of velcro stripping
1 cannister of Blood Worms - (Yes, they are exactly what they sound like they are. I believe it's food for fiddler crabs.)
153 balloons - (Not in a bag or anything; just strewn about)
A cassette tape teaching language dialects
100' of string
56 felt pads for the feet of furniture
Recipe for Tabouli salad
A pewter keychain with "mistress" written on it - (!)
A lighter shaped like a chainsaw
A shopping list consisting of ground coffee, raisins, Kleenex, 6 white candles, and apple cider - (?)
An oversized pencil with the words "Waggish Ninny" printed on the side of it - (Is it possible to feel intrigued and ashamed at the same time?)
Miniature Chinese vase
Garden Shears
So there it is. I shudder to think of what all of this says about me. I shudder even more at the thought that staplers apparently reproduce like rabbits when left alone at the back of a dark drawer. And that they plan to somehow use a bottle of polyurethane and marine sealant against me.
All hail the Junk Drawer.
Regardless of the type of house you keep, the Junk Drawer is universal. After all, you need to be able to access your scissors and tape, your spare pencils, pens, and paper. But after a while, the Junk Drawer takes on a life of its own. Soon it's brimming with the oddest collection of miscellaneous paraphernalia -- most of which you didn't even know you owned. Where does it come from? Does it spawn at night, birthing random items you'd only find in the "Free" box leftover after a garage sale? Does that stuff just appear to psychologically torture you with questions of how in God's name it got there? It is the universe just toying with you?
And perhaps the scariest question: What on earth do the contents of my Junk Drawer say about me?
Armed with these thoughts, I decided to clean out our Junk Drawer today. (Actually, it wasn't so much these thoughts as it was the fact I was having trouble closing the drawer all the way.)
Here is a photo of what it looked like:
And here are some of the things I found:
Duct Tape - (Good. We're starting off normal.)
Sewing kit - (Still good.)
Fishing line - (Normal, I guess. Except I don't fish.)
A bottle of Polyurethane - (What you use polyurethane for is a complete mystery to me...)
Two rolls (one red, one yellow) of crepe paper streamers
3 full-sized staplers, and one mini stapler. - (I have never purchased a stapler in my life. They're like lighters: you never buy them, you just somehow aquire them. )
Industrial strength, waterproof Marine sealant - (For the boat I don't own?)
1 yard of velcro stripping
1 cannister of Blood Worms - (Yes, they are exactly what they sound like they are. I believe it's food for fiddler crabs.)
153 balloons - (Not in a bag or anything; just strewn about)
A cassette tape teaching language dialects
100' of string
56 felt pads for the feet of furniture
Recipe for Tabouli salad
A pewter keychain with "mistress" written on it - (!)
A lighter shaped like a chainsaw
A shopping list consisting of ground coffee, raisins, Kleenex, 6 white candles, and apple cider - (?)
An oversized pencil with the words "Waggish Ninny" printed on the side of it - (Is it possible to feel intrigued and ashamed at the same time?)
Miniature Chinese vase
Garden Shears
So there it is. I shudder to think of what all of this says about me. I shudder even more at the thought that staplers apparently reproduce like rabbits when left alone at the back of a dark drawer. And that they plan to somehow use a bottle of polyurethane and marine sealant against me.
