4/26/2005
Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep...
I don't sleep well. I never have. Once I fall asleep I'm usually fine, but it's trying to shut off my brain to go to sleep that I have trouble with. Am I trying to solve the world's most pressing problems? Nope. My brain is just rattling around like an over-caffeinated 9-year-old with ADD. To wit, I'll offer up a few random and bizarre thoughts I had while trying to fall asleep last night.
1. Is anyone else suddenly afraid of being struck by lighting? On three different occasions this past week, I heard some news story with the phrase, "You're more likely to be struck by lightning than ___________." In theory, that's supposed to make me feel more relaxed about the probability of shark attacks, car jackings, armed robbery, and having my face and genitals tore off by monkeys. (That last fantastic thought is brought to us by this story , titled "Chimp Attack Doesn't Surprise Experts." The article contains the line, "The chimps chewed off most of Davis’ face, tore off his foot and attacked his limbs and genitals.") So, in review, the possibility of having the extremities ripped off my body by crazed primates "doesn't surprise experts," but the good news is I'm more likely to be struck by lightning.
2. I bet using a meat grinder is harder than it looks. I've never tried to use one or anything, but it just seems like it would be hard to push in a steak, crank that little handle, and end up with ground beef. (Look...I never said the things that pop into my head at 2:00 in the morning are all that profound...)
3. Why do we even have the expression, "Don't put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear"? Since when did an elbow become a size standard for anything? And since there's no way to get your own elbow in your own ear, this warning presupposes that there was a huge problem with people randomly trying to stick their elbows into someone else's ears. The whole thing confuses me.
4. It's 2005, and we can't make an ironing board that isn't precariously perched on little spindly stork legs? Of all the things in your home, you would think a burning hot, steaming hunk of iron would be one of those things you'd want a little stability in handling. It's like putting an oven on stilts.
5. If I barricade the door with my dresser, I can escape to the roof through my bedroom window, leap over to the carport, jump to the ground, and safely drive away when the roving gang of Super-Ninjas break into my house to attack me. (Again, I was trying to fall asleep; this is the kind of stuff that guys think about at 2:00 in the morning.)
Looking back over this list, it has become clear that as I try to fall asleep tonight, I will be thinking of the number of a good therapist.
1. Is anyone else suddenly afraid of being struck by lighting? On three different occasions this past week, I heard some news story with the phrase, "You're more likely to be struck by lightning than ___________." In theory, that's supposed to make me feel more relaxed about the probability of shark attacks, car jackings, armed robbery, and having my face and genitals tore off by monkeys. (That last fantastic thought is brought to us by this story , titled "Chimp Attack Doesn't Surprise Experts." The article contains the line, "The chimps chewed off most of Davis’ face, tore off his foot and attacked his limbs and genitals.") So, in review, the possibility of having the extremities ripped off my body by crazed primates "doesn't surprise experts," but the good news is I'm more likely to be struck by lightning.
2. I bet using a meat grinder is harder than it looks. I've never tried to use one or anything, but it just seems like it would be hard to push in a steak, crank that little handle, and end up with ground beef. (Look...I never said the things that pop into my head at 2:00 in the morning are all that profound...)
3. Why do we even have the expression, "Don't put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear"? Since when did an elbow become a size standard for anything? And since there's no way to get your own elbow in your own ear, this warning presupposes that there was a huge problem with people randomly trying to stick their elbows into someone else's ears. The whole thing confuses me.
4. It's 2005, and we can't make an ironing board that isn't precariously perched on little spindly stork legs? Of all the things in your home, you would think a burning hot, steaming hunk of iron would be one of those things you'd want a little stability in handling. It's like putting an oven on stilts.
5. If I barricade the door with my dresser, I can escape to the roof through my bedroom window, leap over to the carport, jump to the ground, and safely drive away when the roving gang of Super-Ninjas break into my house to attack me. (Again, I was trying to fall asleep; this is the kind of stuff that guys think about at 2:00 in the morning.)
Looking back over this list, it has become clear that as I try to fall asleep tonight, I will be thinking of the number of a good therapist.
Comments:
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Okay, that is IT!
You've got a great blog here. I want to share it with the folks who visit my site, as they will appreciate your writing style.
So you are officially linked on my blog (the c.d.p.). Check me out, maybe you'll like what you see.
Ryan Z.
communistdanceparty.blogspot.com
You've got a great blog here. I want to share it with the folks who visit my site, as they will appreciate your writing style.
So you are officially linked on my blog (the c.d.p.). Check me out, maybe you'll like what you see.
Ryan Z.
communistdanceparty.blogspot.com
Todd, you seriously need to get your hands on Brian Regan's new DVD. It's available at brianregan.com. He does a bit on ironing boards you'll appreciate. Plus, he's just hilarious in general. But the ironing board thing made me think of him.
=me=
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# posted by 
: 10:11 AM
: 10:11 AM
what does it feel like to have your foot torn off at the same time a monkey is chewing off your face and ripping your genitals away? Holy Mother of God - there's a special place in hell for monkeys like that.
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