5/27/2005
It's Getting Hot in Here
S-s-s-s...sss.s...soooo........h-h-h-h-hotttttt.
Living in Portland has totally disabled my body's ability to handle hot weather. I grew up in a desert climate where summers would consistently get over 105 degrees, but since I've moved here I've started stripping off layers of clothing once the thermometer goes north of 65. And not "strip" in the sexy way, but as in "ewww...the pot-bellied love-handled guy is trying to remove his sausage casing-like shirt."
It's been over 90 degrees for the past few days. (It's been 93 degrees for the past 4 hours, and right now it's 7:00 at night...) Our house has giant windows that face west and south, including the long, room-length window in my office (which is upstairs, natch). We have no air conditioning. It's like I'm living in a terrarium.
I really dislike being smarmy. That sticky, gross, sweaty feeling you can't seem to get away from when it's hot and (especially) humid is just wholly unpleasant. That's why I've made a vow to never, never live in the mid-west or east coast. There's nothing worse than living in a climate that's so humid that even when you emerge fresh and clean from the shower, the second you open the curtain you feel like someone has hit you with a moist bag of dirty socks.
Sleeping in heat is virtually impossible, too. Especially when you're sharing a bed with a wife who somehow generates so much heat you can smelt iron on her. Suddenly you're 5 years old again with the whole "YOU'RE ON MY SIDE! GET THAT LEG AWAY FROM ME!!" And she somehow still sleeps under the sheets and down comforter. The other tricky part is trying to sleep without the sheet at all. For some reason, you just feel so unsecured without that sheet. Like you'll roll out of bed without its protection. And then every hour you wake up damp, soaking in your own sweat...which is especially terrible when you have a feather pillow, because feather pillows have the ability to extract every last bit of moisture from your body. (By the way...how do ducks handle hot weather? They must be friggen burning up! And how do we even get down feathers? As far as I know, down is only on little baby chicks. Are there fields of naked baby ducks wandering around at the pillow and comforter factory?)
Anyway, I don't have a point to this. The heat has affected my already paltry ability to write a cohesive narrative. Anyway, I already checked out of writing this after I satisfied my creative narcissism by working in the phrase "smelt iron on her," so I'll just smugly slink off to stand in front of the open refrigerator.
Living in Portland has totally disabled my body's ability to handle hot weather. I grew up in a desert climate where summers would consistently get over 105 degrees, but since I've moved here I've started stripping off layers of clothing once the thermometer goes north of 65. And not "strip" in the sexy way, but as in "ewww...the pot-bellied love-handled guy is trying to remove his sausage casing-like shirt."
It's been over 90 degrees for the past few days. (It's been 93 degrees for the past 4 hours, and right now it's 7:00 at night...) Our house has giant windows that face west and south, including the long, room-length window in my office (which is upstairs, natch). We have no air conditioning. It's like I'm living in a terrarium.
I really dislike being smarmy. That sticky, gross, sweaty feeling you can't seem to get away from when it's hot and (especially) humid is just wholly unpleasant. That's why I've made a vow to never, never live in the mid-west or east coast. There's nothing worse than living in a climate that's so humid that even when you emerge fresh and clean from the shower, the second you open the curtain you feel like someone has hit you with a moist bag of dirty socks.
Sleeping in heat is virtually impossible, too. Especially when you're sharing a bed with a wife who somehow generates so much heat you can smelt iron on her. Suddenly you're 5 years old again with the whole "YOU'RE ON MY SIDE! GET THAT LEG AWAY FROM ME!!" And she somehow still sleeps under the sheets and down comforter. The other tricky part is trying to sleep without the sheet at all. For some reason, you just feel so unsecured without that sheet. Like you'll roll out of bed without its protection. And then every hour you wake up damp, soaking in your own sweat...which is especially terrible when you have a feather pillow, because feather pillows have the ability to extract every last bit of moisture from your body. (By the way...how do ducks handle hot weather? They must be friggen burning up! And how do we even get down feathers? As far as I know, down is only on little baby chicks. Are there fields of naked baby ducks wandering around at the pillow and comforter factory?)
Anyway, I don't have a point to this. The heat has affected my already paltry ability to write a cohesive narrative. Anyway, I already checked out of writing this after I satisfied my creative narcissism by working in the phrase "smelt iron on her," so I'll just smugly slink off to stand in front of the open refrigerator.
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Everything you said about sleeping in the heat with a significant other is true. Woman must have a core temperature of 61 degrees.
You must sleep under something, though. Any exposed flesh means certain death when you sleep. In fact, me and my Wife refer to the spot on the bed closest to the door as the "murder side".
Like, if someone DID decide to come in and murder us, they would just kill the person closest to the door. Some things from childhood will never leave you.
You must sleep under something, though. Any exposed flesh means certain death when you sleep. In fact, me and my Wife refer to the spot on the bed closest to the door as the "murder side".
Like, if someone DID decide to come in and murder us, they would just kill the person closest to the door. Some things from childhood will never leave you.
Ryan
Totally! Which is why in two entries down I have allready prepared the escape plan for when the Super Ninjas come in and attack. "Murder Side"...that's hilarious.
((Points an mocks Aaron))
Totally! Which is why in two entries down I have allready prepared the escape plan for when the Super Ninjas come in and attack. "Murder Side"...that's hilarious.
((Points an mocks Aaron))
It is true...I believe the core temperature of women is significantly lower than that of men. I sleep under 2 comforters year round, while Ryan sleeps under a flimsy sheet only even in the winter.
Summers in the midwest do suck...it's -100 in the winter and 100 degrees of pure humidity in the summer. At least we get to experience all the extremes (whether that's a good thing or not is still up in the air.)
Summers in the midwest do suck...it's -100 in the winter and 100 degrees of pure humidity in the summer. At least we get to experience all the extremes (whether that's a good thing or not is still up in the air.)
Do you have AC units in the Pacific Northwest?
One thing I did that you might try is hook up a fan to The Clapper at the foot of your bed. That way you can clap on; and when you start to get chilly you don't have to get up to turn it off, thereby waking yourself, you can just clap off.
=me=
One thing I did that you might try is hook up a fan to The Clapper at the foot of your bed. That way you can clap on; and when you start to get chilly you don't have to get up to turn it off, thereby waking yourself, you can just clap off.
=me=
# posted by 
: 10:30 AM
: 10:30 AM
As much as I hate to admit this, we purchased a nice remote-control fan some time back. It's really handy, and it even has a sleep timer! I'm not kidding.
I do sleep with a fan in my room, but it's mostly for white noise. During hot times we'll point it at the bed, but that whole "wind in the face" thing bothers me. I'm always afraid that if my mouth opens in my sleep, all my saliva ducts will dry out forever and I'll never be able to taste or swallow again.
And I LOVE the air conditioner hooked up to a Clapper idea! You never let me down, Matt
And I LOVE the air conditioner hooked up to a Clapper idea! You never let me down, Matt
Me and the Missus had this "white noise" conversation last night. We couldn't keep the fan on because it was rattling something awful, but it was too quiet without it.
My suggestion to turn on the treadmill and let it run all night went over like a lead balloon.
My suggestion to turn on the treadmill and let it run all night went over like a lead balloon.
Oh yeah...I've been doing the white noise thing for a long time. And when I travel, I have to bring along ear plugs. Those bright-ass orange ones. That's just how cool I am...
At least if the Boogeyman happens to track you down while you're on the road, you won't hear him until your good and dead.
See, this whole murder side thing is why I sleep on the floor. I get an extra few seconds of reaction time while the murderer wonders if he's really in a bedroom or just some home office. It also throws off his practiced stabbing motion since I'm below standard bed-level, unless he's got knife-shoes. But let's just be realistic folks, if he's gone through the trouble of making knife-shoes then I'm pretty much dead regardless. But at least I'm safe from the casual murderers.
Can you imagine the Boogeyman, working quietly in his shed, constructing Knife-Shoes?
The radio in the corner would be tuned to some non-threatening Lite-FM station, as he sharpened the blades and made sure it matched his original draft.
The radio in the corner would be tuned to some non-threatening Lite-FM station, as he sharpened the blades and made sure it matched his original draft.
Lite-FM stations make me want to kill people, too, so I can hardly pass judgement on Boogeymen. Get out of my dreams, and into my car... Then under my house.
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