Todd's Cavalcade of Whimsy

Last week I promised I would “pull back the curtain” and talk a little bit about the advertising industry. I’m a copywriter, which means I provide the words to any sort of advertising or marketing venture you may come across – TV, radio, web site, brochure, packaging, etc. This job comes with a lot of social recognition. Unfortunately, that recognition usually sounds something like, “I hate you,” and is often accompanied by a punch in the neck.

Here’s where I plead for you to not hate me. Terrible, pandering, and irritating advertising is usually not my fault. I don’t see myself as “above” the audience I’m writing for; what annoys you annoys me, so I do all I can to write in a way I would respond to. But since I’m beholden to write for the client – who is, you know, paying me and all – I can only do so much before they demand an extra five exclamation points behind “BIGGEST PRICE MELTDOWN IN THE HISTORY OF EVER!!!!!!” or make me call something a “SALE-A-BRATION!”

Again, please don’t hate me.

Let’s start with some basics. One of the most annoying tactics employed – and usually by used car dealers or mattress and furniture outlet stores – is the age-old use of the screaming announcer. But not just the screaming announcer will do. No, to “cut through the clutter” you must layer as many laser and explosion sound effects on top of the announcer as you possibly can – to, you know, equate low prices with death and maiming. Now your first reaction to the Unhinged Screaming Announcer Accompanied By Lasers and Explosions may be, “I must find someone to hurt.” This is normal. But the goal of Unhinged Screaming Announcer Accompanied By Lasers and Explosions is to get you to think, “I must hurt someone, and I must do it with the product and/or service they were just yelling about.” It’s solid logic.

There’s also the print equivalent of the Unhinged Screaming Announcer Accompanied By Lasers and Explosions, also usually found in car and furniture ads: the “starburst” graphic. These are most often some sort of multi-pointed star or some other thing with sharp, pointy edges. And you never see just the one. No, the first rule of using the starburst is that you have to use at least 1000 per ad – especially in used car ads. The goal is to fill each ad with so many colors, shapes, numbers, and information that the reader gets disoriented and wanders aimlessly around until she buys something. This is why, when asking what she went to mall for, she replies, “Nothing, really. I was just looking around.” Advertising in action.

To reiterate, ads are like this because many clients – not necessarily those creating the ads – make it so. Here’s where I will pull aside those potential advertising clients for a second to let them in on a few things:

1) Nobody cares that you want to beat your All-Time Sales Record. How is telling a potential customer that your whole goal is to make more money any reason for them to buy from you? That would be like me knocking on your door and explaining that since I wanted to make more money than last month, you should give me $10.

2) Is it supposed to impress me that you keep “drastically overstocking” your inventory and that’s why you’re having a sale? Is it supposed to make me feel bad for you? Or do I simply go on with thinking that you’re the worst businessman in history because even though you have this problem every Spring, you still don’t learn from your mistakes?

3) No, you cannot star in your own commercial. Yes, I’m aware you think you have charisma. But let’s be honest, Chachi – you standing in front of your huge selection of drastically overstocked merchandise awkwardly and stiltedly repeating your lines makes you look like a tool. P.S. – everyone makes fun of you behind your back.

4) Your prices are not “insane.” You are not “practically giving away” anything. And nobody believes you that if they don’t stop by today you will not be able to save them any money. Me spending money is not me saving money. You are a tool. Everyone makes fun of you behind your back.

I’m going to stop here because it’s about all I can take. I’ll leave you with something that was given to me when I was working on one of those crappy local used car ads. I had come up with a campaign that did not insult anyone’s intelligence. A series of ads that were funny, a bit different, and still communicated everything I was told to communicate about the cars and the sale. I got a note back from the account executive (the person at the advertising agency who is the liaison between the client and the creative people). I am quoting verbatim here:

“The client had the following revisions:
- Add ‘This is the greatest promotion in the history of [the car manufacturer]!’
- Emphasize that we have the biggest selection of [these cars] in the North West!
Note to writer – When it comes down to it all, all dealerships are offering the same great deal. So [this dealership] needs to stand out with having a larger selection and offering more $$ on trade.”

Yes, because I’m sure that anyone who is reading this, regardless of where they are located, has never, ever heard these distinctions. I was told to make the ad “stand out” by saying the exact same thing every other local car ad across North America has said. And thank you, Captain Account Executive, for using a patronizing tone to show me how to create the worst ad known to man.

It’s not my fault. Please don’t hate me.