9/10/2006

To Camp, Perchance To Dream (of being back home)

Although I’m not what you would call an “avid outdoorsman,” I do like being outdoors. Weather permitting, I enjoy hiking, kayaking, skiing, walking, swimming, and the occasional curling match. But there’s one thing I can’t tolerate: camping.

My wife loves camping. All of my friends love camping. However, I can’t stand it. While everyone else thinks that it’s because I don’t like “being one” with nature (a phrase which always sort of creeps me out), it has a much simpler explanation: I don’t like to pretend I’m homeless. Nothing against the homeless, but millions of years of evolution tells me that living indoors is preferable to living outdoors, what with the roof and walls and whatnot.

Again, this has little to do with enjoying the outdoors. The Pacific Northwest has a bevy of beautiful, varied terrain from the mountains and volcanoes to the desert to caves to the ocean, and I’m not saying that just because I like the word “bevy.” There are thousands of inspiring natural features here, and I’ve enjoyed many of them. But really -- there’s no need to live there. That’s why God made the Holiday Inn.

When you think about it, camping is more of a hassle than anything else. Have you ever taken a weekend camping trip? It takes a day to pack up and drive there (loading your gear into your trunk is like playing the world’s worst game of Tetris), sherpa-ing all the gear to a camping spot (“No, no…this piece of jagged, rock-hard dirt is far superior to that one close to the car…”), unpacking the gear, setting up camp, pitching the tents (and deciding which of the tent’s icky vinyl sides you would prefer stuck to your face by morning dew), all while allotting some time to be gnawed on by myriad gigantor woodland insects. You can enjoy maybe a day of nature, and you then have to pack up all the stuff you just brought there and go back home. It’s really an inefficient use of time.

Some people give the argument of, “But I love being out there with the elements…just me and nature…it’s so primal!” Really? Remember when our ancient ancestors lit their 100,000-watt propane lantern to hook up the propane flapjack griddle while they munched on their Ranch Bugles next to the fire pit? Or when they put their GoreTex windbreaker on to settle into their padded folding chair next the ice chest and put microbrews in the chair’s cup holders? If you really want to experience nature, I want to see you plunk yourself in the middle of nowhere without equipment wearing just a loincloth, ok Squanto? We’ll see how well Mother Earth takes care of you.

Back to the issue of returning home. You’ve “enjoyed” your day of nature (which was comprised mostly of inhaling 8,000 cubic tons of campfire smoke, made worse by the fact that you’ve thrown every conceivable combination of plastic plates, cups, empty bottles, paper shards, and miscellaneous foodstuffs into just to amuse yourself), now you have to spend several hours putting the things you’ve just unpacked back into your car. And let me tell you, it’s going to fight going back in. Much like you just burgled a swap meet that sold only soiled, filthy, and unkempt items, somehow you now have three carloads-full of crap instead of one, because the woods apparently multiply your possessions while you sleep. (And when I say “sleep” in regards to camping, I mean “when my body is 400 degrees in the sleeping bag, my head is 12 degrees outside the sleeping bag, and the stump I’ve accidentally set the tent on is getting a little too friendly.”) And everything you cart back home – including you – is slathered with “camping smarm”: that campfire smoke/dried sweat/sticky hands/forest floor/insect spray/dirt layer of filth that’s coating you and everything you own. Once you’re home you have to take all your stuff back out of the car (which again has tripled, like some bad clown car of supplies), put it away again (campers must love mundane repetitiveness), and do the 12 loads of laundry it takes to get the camping smarm off your sleeping bags and clothes. I feel relaxed and rejuvenated already.

The way I see it, to camp is to do a phenomenal disservice to our ancestors. Can you imagine going back a thousand or a couple thousand years and telling the people frantically burrowing into the side of a hill for warmth, “I’ve got a house, bed, pillows, blankets, fridge-full of food, chairs, couches, and showers… But you know what? That’s not for me. I’m ‘outdoors-y.’” Good luck with that. After you recover from the punch in the face (or mace to the skull or blow-dart to the neck or whatever they did back then), you will then be offered up to their gods as a sacrifice to ward off extreme stupidity. The people that came before us worked really hard for us to not live outside. We should honor their spirit.

Comments:
I could go on for many paragraphs, so I'll just keep it short and say that I agree with everything you said in this essay. My opinion on the subject is exactly the same as yours; and I've had to experience it one too many times.

Houses > No houses.
 
When you put it like that, it seems so obvious. Like Food > No Food. Maybe some people just need to be reminded...
 
I almost agree. Four days and three nights with "nature" (in our pre-made campsites) was definately my limit. However when I asked my 8 year old boy if he had fun his response was, "I had the most fun I've ever had in my whole entire life!!" So maybe we do it just for the kids?
Zachary's Mom
 
I suppose, although that's not quite a great lure when you don't have kids :D That's great that Zachary had so much fun, though. I think all the kids did, especially with the boat and raft.
 
Hi Todd, I wrote a response to one of your posts but did not hear a response. I know we have not connected for year...Gina told me about your blog after she "found" me recently. We live in Hawaii because Darrick is stationed at Pearl Harbor right now. We have a blog too! Check us out! Jenn Hays aka-Jenny Gutierrez
 
Hey Jenn! I left a comment on your blog... Can you send me your email address if you read this?

todd
 
Ummm... Yeah... About that...

Todd, I have to agree that many of your "negative-anti-camping" statements are true as far as they go. It must just be that those "negatives" for you aren't so much for well-balanced, properly-oriented people like myself! Mathematically it can be represented as:

Todd's negatives >> Mark's Negatives

Whereas you might count down the hours to when you leave as soon as you arrive, I count down the hours to when I can go again as soon as I arrive home.

Here are just some of the positives associated with camping (of which the highest form is backpacking) which you neglected to mention in your post.
1. First and foremost, most camping is (and should be) done in an area where the beauty of God's creation is displayed. Many of these places, 99% of the population never sees.
2. Camping food (if done properly) always tastes better.
3. Stars. Unless your home is in the middle of nowhere, there is nothing like a dark, star-filled sky
4. S'mores - need I say more?

Serena, I am sorry Todd feels this way! You can come with us someday!

Alright, that is all for now! As of 6:00am PSDT on 9/20/06 I have 394 hours until I get to go camping again!
 
Actually, I do agree with most of your list. It's the actual trying to sleep outside that I despise. I love hiking and stars and nature and all that, and even like hanging around the campfire. (Although the food tasting better is debatable :) ). But after a full day of that, I'd rather take a nice hot shower and plop back into my own feather bed!
 
that was sooo funny!! my husband and i DO like camping, but i just read it to him, and we were laughing as i read it, because it is totally true. great writing!
 
Thanks! It' funny, because most people that like camping do agree with a lot of the points I made...I guess it just doesn't bother them as much:)
 
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