Todd's Cavalcade of Whimsy

Let me start this off by saying that Portland has fantastic public transportation. It's clean, it's efficient, and normal people ride it. But whenever you open something to the public, "those people" always tend to show up. Who are "those people"? Read on, and I'll help you identify some of the types of people you'll find riding along with you on your next bus trip.

1) Headphones Guy --I have no problem with people listening to headphones on the bus. I do it all the time. But the point of headphones is to keep something to yourself. It would almost be less offensive to listen to the radio out loud, but to be subjected to just the bass and drum section of some Li'l Jon and the Eastside Boyz atrocity is just too much to ask of me. Turn the volume down. It's right next to your ear for crimony's sake. And stop bobbing your head to the music while you're at it.

2) Romance Novel Lady -- I'm always happy when I see people reading. It speaks of intellect, character, and personality. Which is why I'm always really embarrassed for the Romance Novel Lady. Always hot pink, usually with a long-haired, torn-shirt, bodice-ripping slab of a man on the cover, and starring characters named "Precious Covington" or "Lord Devon Braithwaite Castleford" or some other name that no one on the face of the earth has ever had, these "novels" tell you pretty much all you have to know about who's reading it. She has a lot of cats. She collects Franklin Mint collector plates. She owns more than one item with a unicorn on it. Even if these things aren't true, that's what people are thinking of you, dear, poor Romance Novel Lady. At the very least, you can maybe make a fake book cover. The original and classic smut romance novel, "Wuthering Heights," perhaps.

3) The Talker -- The Talker is tricky. While you usually can spot them from the outset, sometimes they'll sneak up on you. You'll be zeroing in on the lonely-looking woman mumbling to herself, when -- BAM! -- The Talker turns out to be the older man you just sat next to. And for reasons I'm not entirely sure of, Talkers don't start off their conversations like normal human beings. There's never any openers like, "Say, it's been hot this week!" No, they always leap about three or four paragraphs down into the conversation and begin with something like, "It's the allergic reaction to the eggs being laid in your skin that makes scabies itch!" Then it's too late. You can't change seats; you're not that rude. Sometimes you pretend to talk on your cell phone or act sleepy, but it never works. They'll wait you out every time. The only way to get out of it is to act like the next stop is yours, get off the bus, and wait for the next one. There's no shame in this defeat.

There's more types of people that you encounter on the bus, of course, but I'll stop now. Perhaps I'll finish this list later. Or perhaps you can identify some different types of bus people yourself. I'm always looking for new additions.

There's been an interesting culture shift in the past couple years regarding baby showers. In the "old days," it used to be that showers were the domain of the female friends of the mother-to-be, giving the husbands and boyfriends a free afternoon to loaf around in their underpants and eat Manwich straight out of a saucepan. I call these the "glory days."
But suddenly -- and inexplicably -- baby showers are no longer just for women. If you know anyone that's about to have a baby, you've no doubt heard the phrase that sends a cold bead of sweat down every man's back: "Couple's Shower."

There are two theories about the Couple's Shower. The first theory is that it's not just the mother that's going to welcome a new baby into the world; both mother and father are starting a family together. Therefore, the baby shower should include both women and men. My theory is much more simple: women don't want to give their men the opportunity to lounge around in their underpants eating Manwich straight out of a saucepan.

I know all this from experience. I've been to a few Couple's Showers. And not only have I gone, I've held one at my house and was "asked" (read: "told") to help set it up. I was instructed to write a portion of the invitation that would appeal to the men and incite them to attend. "Will there be beer?" I asked. "No." "Can we watch TV?" "No." "Can we play video games?" "No. But put that in so the guys will want to come." During the shower, I heard one of the male attendees mutter, "I was told there was going to be an Xbox here." Not only did it take tricks and lies to get men to come, but they made me do it. I sold out my fellow man, and I didn't even get beer.

With little deviation, here's what a Couple's Shower looks like: the women sit on one side of the room chatting about due dates and Diaper Genies while the men mill about in a far corner glancing at their watches and wondering how it all came to this. Every once and a while, the women will say something like, "Isn't that cute? Did you hear that, guys? Isn't that just the cutest thing ever??" and the men will nod and then go back to deducing how they can turn the green-bunny-and-yellow-duckie-adorned tablecloth into a noose.

If you've ever been to one of these baby showers yourself, it could not be more clear that it's no place a man wants to be. For one thing, there are myriad awkward conversations involving oogy terms like "speculum" and "delivering the placenta." There's also the matter of the "cute" games that are played. And by "cute" I mean "horrifying." Games where melted chocolate bars are smeared into diapers and each person then has to smell and inspect said diaper and guess which candy bar it contains. Let me tell you: a melted Baby Ruth in a diaper is something no grown man should have to put his face into.

Beyond the games, there's the matter of the gifts. Now don't get me wrong: I have no problem with baby shower presents. It's expensive to have a baby, and every little bit helps. But to ask a man to sit for an hour while every gift of tiny washcloths, tiny jumpers, tiny booties, tiny beanies, tiny towels, and tiny socks are met with ear-shattering "AAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!" is too much to ask. We get it: it's cute because it's tiny. And anything tiny will work. At the shower I attended the mother-to-be received a tiny lamp. It was plain silver with a white lampshade -- no cutesie colors or animals or anything. When she unwrapped it, it garnered the same "AAAWWWW!!!!!" as everything else. You see, because it was tiny. Like a wittle baby wamp.

My dislike of Couple's Showers should not be confused for lack of support or love for the couple having the baby. I'm very happy for people who are about to welcome a new life into this world. But if men have to feign excitement, why should we be forced to attend? So I propose separate showers. The women can fawn over their cute and tiny gifts, and the men can, oh, I don't know, go to a shooting range. Or race go-karts. We'd still bring gifts for the father-to-be, so it'd be legit. Gifts like earplugs. Or a solemn promise to agree to never have a Couple's Shower when the rest of us decide to have a baby. Now that's showing support.

I don't know why I'm doing this. Even I barely care about what I think, so why am I posting it on a blog? The answer is, I suppose, either "because I'm bored," or "because everyone else is doing it."

I have no idea what this blog will be about. I'm guessing it'll be random musings of little interest to most people. At this point, no one even knows I'm doing this, so I'm basically just writing to amuse myself. And methinks I'm not even accomplishing that.

So we'll see what happens. Maybe I'll post articles I've already written. Maybe I'll just link to other sites I find interesting.

The few things I can guarantee, however, is that there will be a decided lack of focus, thoughts will probably go unfinished, this won't be regularly updated, and any time spent reading this will be time you will never get back.

So good luck to us all, and I'm sorry.