12/09/2005
Search Party
Ever since I figured out how to work the “Referrals” feature on my Site Meter visitor counter, I've been obsessed with how people are finding this page. Even though I've been terrible at keeping up with posting, people are still visiting every day. How in the world are they getting here? For the most part, people are clicking on the comments I make at other blogs or web sites (I'd say about 75% of the people coming here are finding their way through my 'internet buddy' at "The CDP").
But then there are "the Others." The Others find my way through search engines like Google, Yahoo!, and MSN. The Others scare me. They scare me because I can see what they were searching for. I can never exactly tell what they are hoping to find; but what's even more upsetting to me is that my page comes up with "relevant" results for some of these searches. So let's take a look at a few of the more "interesting" searches that have led people to my humble Cavalcade of Whimsy.
(A quick aside for people who may not know: When I put various terms below in quotes, it means people were looking for that exact phrase, and only web sites that have those exact words in that exact order will come up with results).
A few searches that don't surprise me (There's porn on the internet now?!):
- sexy legs thumbnail
- feather pillow fight
Ok, so far, not too odd (although I’m intrigued that someone specified “feather” for his pillow fight. No polyester/fiber/cotton blend in that dude’s pillow fights). I guess in a year's worth of posting stuff, I've used those words somewhere and in no particular order. Not exactly relevant to what my site is about, but I can see how that happened.
Let's move on to some fairly random search phrases:
- todd gross weather man
- soft briefcase whimsy
- huffy walking stilts
- indicator deadbolt
- what happens when a bird flies into a wall
Alright. Again, nothing too freaky. I don't like hearing that I'm a gross weather man, but I'm a big boy…I can handle some criticism. And I'd like to thank whoever searched for "soft briefcase whimsy," because that is now officially my favorite new phrase.
And now for three scary ones and two that really amused me:
- toilet whimsy
- "tore off his foot and attacked his limbs and genitals”
- refrigerator corpse
- "i saw mommy kissing" adulterous
- IQ of people watching sports
Yes, I've mentioned "toilet whimsy" before, but it's still freaking me out so I had to mention it again. (I’m still pulling my hair out trying to figure out what this person was hoping to find. The only thing less whimsical to me than a soft briefcase is a toilet, not that there's anything wrong with that...) The "tore off his foot and attacked his limbs and genitals" is a tad off-putting for two reasons: 1) They searched for this exact phrase, as evidenced by the quotes, and 2) they found that exact phrase on this very web site. ( Click here for where I used that icky, icky phrase.) And for those of my dear readers who want to find out everything there is to know about stuffing bodies in refrigerators, apparently my site can help you do that. I’m going to move along quickly here because the whole idea of “refrigerator corpse” linking to my site makes me feel oogy and like I should keep the door locked at all times.
Now we get to the ones that really amused me. It seems I was able to help some dude wanting to delve into the home-wrecking and two-timing origins of a beloved yuletide musical tradition and searched for “’I saw mommy kissing’ adulterous.” You’re welcome. I’m here to help. And lastly, although the search words aren’t necessarily that funny, just the idea that some frustrated non-sports fan out there really wanted to find out the IQ of people watching sports – and then found part of the answer here – really warms my cockles. Er, my heart’s cockles. You know what I mean.
Oh great, I can’t wait to see what search phrases will point here now that I’ve written the word “cockles” three times. As Drudge would say, “Developing…”
But then there are "the Others." The Others find my way through search engines like Google, Yahoo!, and MSN. The Others scare me. They scare me because I can see what they were searching for. I can never exactly tell what they are hoping to find; but what's even more upsetting to me is that my page comes up with "relevant" results for some of these searches. So let's take a look at a few of the more "interesting" searches that have led people to my humble Cavalcade of Whimsy.
(A quick aside for people who may not know: When I put various terms below in quotes, it means people were looking for that exact phrase, and only web sites that have those exact words in that exact order will come up with results).
A few searches that don't surprise me (There's porn on the internet now?!):
- sexy legs thumbnail
- feather pillow fight
Ok, so far, not too odd (although I’m intrigued that someone specified “feather” for his pillow fight. No polyester/fiber/cotton blend in that dude’s pillow fights). I guess in a year's worth of posting stuff, I've used those words somewhere and in no particular order. Not exactly relevant to what my site is about, but I can see how that happened.
Let's move on to some fairly random search phrases:
- todd gross weather man
- soft briefcase whimsy
- huffy walking stilts
- indicator deadbolt
- what happens when a bird flies into a wall
Alright. Again, nothing too freaky. I don't like hearing that I'm a gross weather man, but I'm a big boy…I can handle some criticism. And I'd like to thank whoever searched for "soft briefcase whimsy," because that is now officially my favorite new phrase.
And now for three scary ones and two that really amused me:
- toilet whimsy
- "tore off his foot and attacked his limbs and genitals”
- refrigerator corpse
- "i saw mommy kissing" adulterous
- IQ of people watching sports
Yes, I've mentioned "toilet whimsy" before, but it's still freaking me out so I had to mention it again. (I’m still pulling my hair out trying to figure out what this person was hoping to find. The only thing less whimsical to me than a soft briefcase is a toilet, not that there's anything wrong with that...) The "tore off his foot and attacked his limbs and genitals" is a tad off-putting for two reasons: 1) They searched for this exact phrase, as evidenced by the quotes, and 2) they found that exact phrase on this very web site. ( Click here for where I used that icky, icky phrase.) And for those of my dear readers who want to find out everything there is to know about stuffing bodies in refrigerators, apparently my site can help you do that. I’m going to move along quickly here because the whole idea of “refrigerator corpse” linking to my site makes me feel oogy and like I should keep the door locked at all times.
Now we get to the ones that really amused me. It seems I was able to help some dude wanting to delve into the home-wrecking and two-timing origins of a beloved yuletide musical tradition and searched for “’I saw mommy kissing’ adulterous.” You’re welcome. I’m here to help. And lastly, although the search words aren’t necessarily that funny, just the idea that some frustrated non-sports fan out there really wanted to find out the IQ of people watching sports – and then found part of the answer here – really warms my cockles. Er, my heart’s cockles. You know what I mean.
Oh great, I can’t wait to see what search phrases will point here now that I’ve written the word “cockles” three times. As Drudge would say, “Developing…”
12/06/2005
Game On
I'm not a huge sports fan. I enjoyed playing them myself, but I just never saw the appeal of watching people I don’t know or don’t care about get paid more than the gross national product of Uruguay to run back and forth and back and forth a lot. It’s gotten to the point that I’ll TiVo the Super Bowl just to watch for commercials and any errant boob that happens to fly across the screen.
Watching sports in person can be a different game altogether (see how I can use appropriate puns?). There’s something electric about seeing the players live and being amongst the crowd. I have a love/hate relationship with large groups of people – I tend to enjoy people on an individual level or in small groups, but something happens with a large crowd. I think the average IQ of people is inversely proportional to the number of people present. That being said, I’m a huge fan of people watching, and nothing beats people watching at a sporting event.
The reason I bring this up is because I recently went to a minor league hockey game, which I enjoy quite a bit. Not only does hockey provide the greatest amount of sporting lingo that sounds dirty but really isn’t (puck, high-sticking, in the crease, pulling the goalie, etc.), it’s Mecca for loony-bin fan watching. It’s like hanging out at the monkey cage at the zoo: you’re horrified, intrigued, and quite sure that at any moment the simian-like sports uber-fan may in fact fling his own poop at you.
The fan I sat behind at the hockey game did not disappoint. Magnificent, tangled hair that went down to his waist. A cowbell/noisemaker tricked out and customized to a size even Donald Trump would find ostentatious. Additional noisemaker in other hand in the unlikely event he would find himself unable to make any other loud noises. But the best thing about this dude was the labored and outright confusing things he would yell at the game. A few prime examples:
“You little no-chin!”
“You Mexican wanna-be!!”
“Give them some hockey Ex-Lax so they can get it out of their end!!!”
Granted, these examples could make sense if we thought about them hard enough. But it’s this next one that I will always fondly recall with a sense of awe and wonder; a soliloquy so richly packed with narrative and character yet at the same time bereft of any ostensible meaning. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:
“Let me guess – you are the kid who used to hang out at half court of the basketball game just standing there and waiting for someone else to throw you the ball!!”
Yes, this preceding sentence actually game out of this guy’s mouth. And the way he “delivered” this line made it even more fantastic. You could literally hear the gears in his head grinding together, emitting a shower of synaptic sparks so intense it was like Jennifer Beals was recreating the opening scene of Flashdance. He started yelling it at the top of his lungs, and then would pause every few words to catch his breath while simultaneously trying to figure out where his little story was going.
“LET ME GUESS…(breath)..…YOU ARE THE KID….(crunching of gears)……WHO USED TO…..(sparks, gears)….HANG OUT AT HALF COURT….(pause, breath)…..OF THE BASKETBALL GAME……(gears, pause, grind)….JUST STANDING THERE………(pauses getting longer, gears revving up to full speed)…AND WAITING FOR…..(waiting for…waiting for what? Think, man, think!)….SOMEONE ELSE TO THROW YOU THE BALL!!!!! (triumphant celebration in his head, look of pride and satisfaction on his face, gears ripped to shreds and smoking uncontrollably).”
All the while, I sat behind him listening to it all unfold. It took a good 15 – 20 seconds. During the first five seconds, I was just rolling my eyes at the crazy man. Then, as the tale began to grow, I edged forward on my seat. “Half court? Basketball? What on earth is happening here,” I whispered to myself in wonder. And then it kept going. And going. Clearly this man wasn’t just going for a double or a triple (to throw in even more random sports analogies). Oh no. This was the Babe Ruth of crazy sports fans. He had pointed to that centerfield wall, and he was going to crush the ball out of the park so far that he’d become a legend. He was going to deliver. And boy, did he. It was magnificent. The only thing missing was a little boy in a hospital bed somewhere who made Sports Guy promise that his next insane ramble would be the best ever…and he’d do it for him.
So here’s to you crazy sports fans everywhere. To those who think yelling “DEFENSE” from 400 feet away is going to actually cause the player to think, “By Jove, he’s right! I’m supposed to be on defense now!” To all of you who encourage athletes everywhere to “KEEP YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME!!!” only to delight in yourselves when it appears that the athlete now, in fact, does have his head in the game more so than before you screamed it. To all of you. Thank you for giving me something to watch other than the game itself.
Watching sports in person can be a different game altogether (see how I can use appropriate puns?). There’s something electric about seeing the players live and being amongst the crowd. I have a love/hate relationship with large groups of people – I tend to enjoy people on an individual level or in small groups, but something happens with a large crowd. I think the average IQ of people is inversely proportional to the number of people present. That being said, I’m a huge fan of people watching, and nothing beats people watching at a sporting event.
The reason I bring this up is because I recently went to a minor league hockey game, which I enjoy quite a bit. Not only does hockey provide the greatest amount of sporting lingo that sounds dirty but really isn’t (puck, high-sticking, in the crease, pulling the goalie, etc.), it’s Mecca for loony-bin fan watching. It’s like hanging out at the monkey cage at the zoo: you’re horrified, intrigued, and quite sure that at any moment the simian-like sports uber-fan may in fact fling his own poop at you.
The fan I sat behind at the hockey game did not disappoint. Magnificent, tangled hair that went down to his waist. A cowbell/noisemaker tricked out and customized to a size even Donald Trump would find ostentatious. Additional noisemaker in other hand in the unlikely event he would find himself unable to make any other loud noises. But the best thing about this dude was the labored and outright confusing things he would yell at the game. A few prime examples:
“You little no-chin!”
“You Mexican wanna-be!!”
“Give them some hockey Ex-Lax so they can get it out of their end!!!”
Granted, these examples could make sense if we thought about them hard enough. But it’s this next one that I will always fondly recall with a sense of awe and wonder; a soliloquy so richly packed with narrative and character yet at the same time bereft of any ostensible meaning. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:
“Let me guess – you are the kid who used to hang out at half court of the basketball game just standing there and waiting for someone else to throw you the ball!!”
Yes, this preceding sentence actually game out of this guy’s mouth. And the way he “delivered” this line made it even more fantastic. You could literally hear the gears in his head grinding together, emitting a shower of synaptic sparks so intense it was like Jennifer Beals was recreating the opening scene of Flashdance. He started yelling it at the top of his lungs, and then would pause every few words to catch his breath while simultaneously trying to figure out where his little story was going.
“LET ME GUESS…(breath)..…YOU ARE THE KID….(crunching of gears)……WHO USED TO…..(sparks, gears)….HANG OUT AT HALF COURT….(pause, breath)…..OF THE BASKETBALL GAME……(gears, pause, grind)….JUST STANDING THERE………(pauses getting longer, gears revving up to full speed)…AND WAITING FOR…..(waiting for…waiting for what? Think, man, think!)….SOMEONE ELSE TO THROW YOU THE BALL!!!!! (triumphant celebration in his head, look of pride and satisfaction on his face, gears ripped to shreds and smoking uncontrollably).”
All the while, I sat behind him listening to it all unfold. It took a good 15 – 20 seconds. During the first five seconds, I was just rolling my eyes at the crazy man. Then, as the tale began to grow, I edged forward on my seat. “Half court? Basketball? What on earth is happening here,” I whispered to myself in wonder. And then it kept going. And going. Clearly this man wasn’t just going for a double or a triple (to throw in even more random sports analogies). Oh no. This was the Babe Ruth of crazy sports fans. He had pointed to that centerfield wall, and he was going to crush the ball out of the park so far that he’d become a legend. He was going to deliver. And boy, did he. It was magnificent. The only thing missing was a little boy in a hospital bed somewhere who made Sports Guy promise that his next insane ramble would be the best ever…and he’d do it for him.
So here’s to you crazy sports fans everywhere. To those who think yelling “DEFENSE” from 400 feet away is going to actually cause the player to think, “By Jove, he’s right! I’m supposed to be on defense now!” To all of you who encourage athletes everywhere to “KEEP YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME!!!” only to delight in yourselves when it appears that the athlete now, in fact, does have his head in the game more so than before you screamed it. To all of you. Thank you for giving me something to watch other than the game itself.
It Just Gets Weirder
Just when I thought no one could top finding my page through a google search of "bathroom whimsy," I just noticed that today someone found my site by googling the following:
"Bathroom whimsy dog."
I have no idea what to say about that.
*
(New update on its way. I promise. Seriously.)
"Bathroom whimsy dog."
I have no idea what to say about that.
*
(New update on its way. I promise. Seriously.)
